My husband has been in the construction business for over 40 years. He can look at buildings being built and tell you what kind of walls are going up based on the framework. There are many different types of walls: exterior, interior, sheetrock, brick, stone, mud, and wood walls. Walls can be built from almost anything. We owned a hundred-year-old house that had horsehair lath and plaster walls. No matter what walls are made from, they all serve a purpose. Walls protect us from the elements, enemies, invaders, wild animals, and more. In the Bible, there is mention of Nehemiah’s Wall (Nehemiah 4:6), and in Joshua 6:15-16, the walls came tumbling down on the seventh day when the people shouted. We see the Great Wall of China. Growing up, I watched the news reporters outside of the Berlin Wall and saw families reunited after it fell. Walls certainly are great and powerful, but our enemy certainly knows how to use them against us.
I had experienced deception and betrayal off and on, so I can’t tell you exactly what age I started building my walls, but it was in my early teenage years. Then at about the age of thirty, the betrayal from the man I trusted and loved most sent me into the depression cycle I have come to know and still fight. I have never sat down and named my walls, but they not only went up; they grew in width and strength. I could no longer allow myself to be vulnerable and go through emotional pain again. My protection became both an unconscious and conscious choice. I knew I could no longer trust, and I must never open myself up to feel again. My strongest wall became numbness. I wanted to love and laugh again, but that wall became distrust and fear. I longed to be loved by God, but the wall of worthlessness and doubt stood in the way. I watched myself get hurt by others over and over again, so now I needed a wall that said I must not open myself up to people. My walls were built on lies. Many times, I prayed for God to soften my heart because I did not want it to become hard. I had to seek God’s forgiveness because I began to hate certain people. There were times I wanted to scream, “Why did you do this to me?” I never did anything to you to deserve this treatment. When I could have asked why, I didn’t because I hate conflict, so I just walked away. My hardest battles were to find hope. I knew if I ever got to the point of hopelessness, then I was done. If it were not for the grace of God and His love, I don’t know where I would be today.
I have learned over many years of living with walls that they always cost me something. I no longer had real joy, happiness, and peace. I lost myself to the point of not knowing who I really was, and I could never share my real feelings or needs with anyone. Walls allowed me to survive, but not to live life as God intended me to live. Walls kept me from who God created me to be. Though I might have felt like I no longer had a purpose, God’s grace kept me in the palm of His hand. His quiet, gentle voice called me out of the darkness and into the light. He is the God who sees and knows me and calls me His child.
Ask yourself what walls you have built in your own life, and what purpose they serve. Are these walls of protection or destruction?
When your walls start going up, whether consciously or unconsciously, they may keep others at a distance, preferring casual friends over deeper connections. You may be reluctant to share personal feelings or experiences, stemming from a fear of being hurt or judged. You might push others away, especially when relationships begin to deepen. You could become numb and detach from not only your emotions but also others. To keep your walls and depression from overcoming you, I suggest that you name your walls and recognize them, and how they got built. Are your walls healthy ones that can be kept? Then you can decide to slowly break down the walls of destruction. This process requires time and patience. Gradually start sharing thoughts and feelings with individuals who have earned your trust. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore past traumas and develop healthy coping mechanisms. Go to God and let Him call you out of your darkness and into His light. There is a song that says, “You are my hiding place, and I will trust in You.” Let God hold you in His hands, for He is the one safe place even when people fail us. John 10:10 “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted.” Philippians 4:19 “My God will meet all your needs according to the riches of His glory in Christ Jesus.” Psalm 139:1-2 “O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar.” Proverbs 15:3 “The eyes of the Lord are in every place, keeping watch on the evil and the good.” Jeremiah 1:5 “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born, I set you apart;” Genesis 16:13 “Have I now seen the One who sees me?”
God, thank you for seeing and knowing each and every one of us. Break down the walls that keep us from living the life You created us to live. Give us wisdom as to who to trust and protect us from our enemy who seeks to kill, steal, and destroy.
Gram